You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on
Bethel Music - Shepherd
I have been putting off this post for about 4 months now. At first it was because it was all too real and raw and honestly, it hurt like heck. I couldn't even think, talk or write about it without my eyes welling up with tears and my heart literally aching. I was lost, confused and felt so alone. Even with the best support system and the most incredible husband a girl could have, it was the absolute loneliest place I had ever been in. The weight was unbearable at times, actually most of the time. How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? And then secondly because God has been working in my life, in my heart. He is healing me and restoring me. My heart and my soul was wrecked in such painful ways...and then wrecked again in big and beautiful ways. I wanted to wait to share once I felt like I was in a good place and could clearly see all that God was teaching me throughout all of this. All of the suffering for His glory. It's still, I'm still a work in progress, but I am also in a good place. Yes, my heart still aches, but my faith in God's plan for our lives is bigger than ever before. His plan is better than any we could ever make for ourselves. And that brings me peace that passes understanding.
I was pregnant.
And then I wasn't....
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.
.
.
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I have sat here staring at this screen for the longest. Where do I go from here? Where do I even start? How do I tell this story, our story. Do I even share our story at all? But, I will because it is just that, our story. Jesus holds the pencil and He is writing our story. Our faith is the lead, but Jesus is the author of our faith and the author of our salvation story. And He will not let go of that pencil until our story is complete. And that is something worth sharing. That is blessed assurance.
Bear with me because even now, 4 months later I am having difficulty writing this all out. There is so much to say and the emotions keep overwhelming me and taking over. Beautiful chaos can only accurately describe my mind and my heart right now.
I was pregnant. And then I wasn't.
Back in February we learned that we were expecting our second little babe. We were elated and cried so many tears of joy. I've mentioned on this blog a few times, but it takes Nathan and I a while to conceive. It was over 2 years with Mason and this time it was over a year {but many years dreaming of}. So, you can imagine our excitement when we got that positive test. We were over the moon excited. I didn't have any symptoms other than being late and being extremely emotional {even more so than normal}so I was having a hard time even believing I was truly pregnant. But, I just kept reminding myself that it was still early and that every pregnancy was different. Nate was ready to tell the world, but I wanted to wait. I really wanted to wait until that 12 week mark, but we compromised with waiting until I had seen the doctor.
Well, we had to throw those plans out the window when we learned that Nate's parents were in the thick of planning summer vacation and including us in those plans. Nate has to acquire his vacation time at work and hardly ever has a big stack of it saved up. We knew that if we had a little baby on the way we might have to forgo a summer vacation so that Nate could save his time. We
had to tell his parents.
But, there was a very important little someone that we needed to tell first. Mr. Mason. We told him later that night. He was so happy and just kept asking "really" over and over again. His joy of being a big brother made us even more elated.
We were on cloud nine.
We did end up telling our parents, siblings and grand parents. A part of me regretted this for the longest time.
Fast forward a week to when the unthinkable happened. I woke up bleeding. It wasn't much and it was very light in color. But I still freaked out. Nate was getting ready for work and I ran in there crying saying "I think I am loosing our baby." He just held me while I cried. And then he called into work. We went back to bed for a little bit before he had to take Mason to school. I just laid there sobbing and praying. I continued to bleed throughout the day, and then the next and it was more and more every time I checked. I called the doctor and asked her what to do. She ordered me to go straight to the ER.
At the hospital they did blood work, a urine test, and two kinds of sonograms. The blood work did prove that I was pregnant, but that my hcg levels were very low. No baby was seen on either sonogram. They did rule out ectopic pregnancy, though. The hospital sent me home with a diagnosis of "threatened miscarriage" with orders to rest and follow up with my doctor in a few days. Of course I had to go a whole weekend and then three days of the next week before my doctor could see me. I was a little upset with my doctor and couldn't believe she would make me wait so long. But, later I found out there really was a method to her plan.
I finally saw the doctor and we talked for quite a while. I told her everything that I went through and she listened to every word (she is a blessing). She agreed that it sounded like a miscarriage and wanted to do a pelvic exam and more blood work to check my hcg levels again. If they stayed the same or had gone up then we would do some more testing, but if they dropped it was a confirmed miscarriage.
A few days later came that earth shattering phone call. "Your levels are back to a zero and your miscarriage is complete." And if that wasn't hard enough a few hours later I got a call from the billing department to go over what my prenatal care was going to cost for each appointment until I deliver.
Ouch.
After I got that confirmation I wanted to climb into a hole and hide from the world. The loneliness and the emptiness and the brokenness were wrecking me. I had the real tangible proof that I was pregnant and then it was gone. I couldn't help but feel robbed, broken and sad. I mean, I have felt loss before, but nothing like this. It took a good week or more before I even felt like being around people (with the exception of church and our church family).
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
But, throughout all of the hurt and suffering there was a lot of good. Looking back over the last several months I can see God's goodness, His grace, and His faithfulness in our lives. He called us to this wonderful church {and church family} when he knew that I would need it and them the most. It was all so perfectly ordained. It wasn't by accident that we went to this birthday party back in January where we would have a conversation with the pastor, it wasn't by accident that he invited us to church that following Sunday, and it wasn't by accident that we agreed and that we went. And it wasn't by accident that we kept going back every Sunday. God has had His hands in this all along. It brings me to tears to even think about it. The sermons were just what I needed to hear every Sunday that I sat on that pew. One in particular was on suffering and why God allows us to suffer.
So that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:7
Suffering is the refining fire of our faith. Suffering is purposeful and ordained.
Wow.
God has been working in all of our lives. We have learned to lean on Him and to trust His plans for our lives. We are all getting closer in our walks with Jesus Christ. And to watch Mason develop a heart that desires Jesus is the most incredible thing to witness as a mother.
Through the hurt and the pain and the loneliness I found comfort in Jesus. And while I may never hold that sweet baby this side of Heaven I know that he or she was in the arms of Jesus. And that makes me so weepy! And through the promise we have in Jesus Christ I know that I will meet him or her one day. That is the good.
